Fitting In

Two posts in less than a week, I’m on a roll! Largely this post follows from the last one, regarding the changes in my chat life and efforts to forge new friendships and a new home in chat. One of the struggles I’m having is trying to make sure I fit in with this new group and new place. I think I’m doing okay, but it led me to reflect on that impetus, that drive to “fit in.”

If we think back to high school (a time some of us might prefer to forget even if we can remember back that far!), we might remember the struggles to fit in. Maybe some of you reading this fit in naturally; others of us felt a bit adrift and some degree of self-inflicted pressure to find a group with whom we could be comfortable and a sense of belonging. It might be easy as an adult now to look back and dismiss this concern with the “wisdom” of aging and say we inflated the importance of fitting in, but I question whether that would be true.

Alfred Adler placed great emphasis on the importance of developing a “social niche” into which we’d fit and be able to receive validation and recognition for our attributes and accomplishments. He believed that without such validation we would become “discouraged” (his word) and likely to engage in self defeating and self destructive behavior. Perhaps he overstated the consequences, but I do believe we have a drive to connect and to belong. After chatting for over 20 years, I’ve seen people go through efforts to have those needs met.

The one thing I will suggest with the hindsight of aging is that we perhaps put too much emphasis in our adolescence on thinking we had to be JUST LIKE someone to fit in, or we all had to agree on everything. I’ve become a much firmer believer in complementarity, that is, being similar enough to engage successfully, while also having the ability to have enough differences to fulfill the needs or interests of the other. Think of a jigsaw puzzle piece: it fits where it should despite being different from the pieces surrounding it.

As I foray further into a new room and into new friendships, I want to be like that puzzle piece. I’m not necessarily much like those around me, but I want to fit just where I belong.

Roll with the Changes

So I emerge again after a long time apart from my blog, largely because I have had some new people in chat tell me they’ve discovered it and would like to read it. So before they can catch up with all I’ve written before, I’m adding a new post. What’s it about? Changing, and in a way, it’s about starting over.

I still nominally host a room at sensuouschat.com, and I visit there on admittedly rare occasions. The site will be closing early next year, as my dear friend who owns it would like to retire and spend more time with her husband. Such nerve! As if her real life is more important than my chat life! Selfish woman, she.

Anyway, with that imminent occurrence, I took to wandering the chat worlds, somewhat searching for a new home. In a way, I’m glad to give up the responsibilities of managing a room and get back to just chatting, but I know I will miss some of the “status” of being a room hostess. Moreover, it’s been a bit difficult feeling like I am “starting over” in chat by looking for new friends and a new home. I’ve gone to rooms and I’m more than willing to chat and impose myself on others (conversationally, I mean LOL), but at the same time, it can be difficult to overcome being a “newby” when others have known each other for months or years.

One might ask why I’m not with chat friends who also may have migrated… well, that’s a story in and of itself, and one I may or may not share on this blog later. I want to look ahead, not back, and try to focus on the positives. And there have been some positives. I’ve met some really great people, and several I’d love to be closer friends with, but of course such things take time. And in a way that’s the frustrating part. Remember being a kid, you could become someone’s best friend within five minutes of meeting and you discovered you had the same favorite ice cream flavor? Well, as an adult, friendship that gets that tight that fast is a bit… well, creepy, no? But I want to be buddies with some of these people, and I have to fight the urge to push for that level of closeness. I know it’s my own neediness coming out, the need to affiliate, and to be seen as special and important to people. As much as I know that has to take time, that ice cream loving kid in me wants to say “hey let’s be best friends!” But it doesn’t work that way. I have to give it time, and adjust to all these changes in my chat life.

But I hope that adjustment hurries.

Secret Love

One of the interesting (to me anyway) phenomena you sometimes see in chat is the desire for people to keep relationships “secret.” I spoke to someone I know in chat who told me she is with someone but was reluctant to share who it was because they want things to be kept “secret for now.” Now when I mention such relationships, I don’t just mean purely sexual ones, as many trysts and encounters are held privately and not particularly advertised. Even occasions in which the word “love” is used (and one can argue how meaningful that word is or isn’t in a virtual world, but for some, the feelings do transcend the medium) sometimes are kept very hidden from the rest of the chat world.

In some instances, this desire to keep things secret is perfectly understandable. There can be interference from others, or drama, or even just the concern that the relationship become stable enough to last a bit of time before “going public” or “making it official.” As I’ve mentioned earlier in this blog, others can suddenly develop an interest in you once you’re supposedly off the market. And some others may simply decide they want to ruin someone else’s happiness. Of course, in other instances, the secret-keeping has more to do with wanting to have several such relationships available at once, and to keep each from not knowing about the other. This scenario is obviously more hurtful if one of the other partners had some expectation of monogamy, but even if they wanted a more open relationship, maybe they expected to at least be special or a priority, and they’re not.

I think the challenge can be knowing which scenario is present. If someone grows close to you, if you become emotionally invested and think of yourselves as a “couple,” then how do you take it when your partner suggests you keep things “on the down low” for a bit. Even if they present a reasonable and cogent rationale, wouldn’t you at least wonder if there’s an ulterior or sinister motive? I can see both scenarios existing. I’m just not sure how I would tell them apart.

Looking Back Wistfully

Ok, so my chat life has been a roller coaster of moodiness, drama, and stupidity (yes, on my part, not just others). So this post will likely seem whiny. Fair warning to any who proceed with reading it. I won’t be going over recent stressors in detail; this post is more related to my most recent post here, the one several weeks ago on retirement.

I find myself looking back often. Maybe that’s a sign of getting older, where you think back to earlier times with a degree of wistfulness, a plethora of “what ifs” going through your brain. I’m not sure it’s the healthiest process, but I think it’s somewhat common, even normal. I mean, how do we take stock of the now without an occasional glance back at where we’ve been?

I can remember being in a very happy and satisfied state a few years back during one particular chat relationship. And in some ways, I almost feel like I can point to the loss of that relationship as a turning point in the wrong direction. Following that, there was drama and loss and heartache and conflict. Not everything has been bad since then; I’ve made some good friends and had some good experiences, and had some all too brief relationships since then. But I think I’d have to say the last time I went several months with happiness was then. Of course, it’s easy in hindsight to say it was “all good” back then, and I know that’s not true here, but I almost wonder if the best time to retire would have been then.

In some ways I almost feel like my chat life has been like a terminal patient on life support. When do I pull the plug? When some good things happen I get hopeful, but when some bad things happen, like recently, I fight the urge to reach for the plug right now. When does hoping become stupid perseveration? I don’t know the answer. Am I just maintaining hope or being hopelessly stubborn?

The odd thing is as I write this I don’t feel sad. A few days ago my mood was dark, and several people in chat took me to task on my attitude. Today is light years better than then. I think my mood has stabilized, and that’s allowed me to sit back and take stock more rationally than I have all week. And if there’s a prevailing emotion right now, it’s wistfulness.

Fun and Immaturity

For me, one of the most fun aspects of adult chat is the banter, whether flirtatious, silly, or biting. The people I most enjoy seeing in chat are those who can be witty or even just goofy. Of course, part of that appeal is acting like someone from an earlier developmental epoch (reminder: I’m 45. Yeah. I’m thrilled to remind everyone of that lol). People in chat often say I seem younger than I am. Of course that is easier when they see an avatar of a sexy younger woman rather than a picture of me for real. I also take it to mean I banter and joke pretty well, so I take it as a compliment.

In chat we can act with a bit less abandon, with a little more self-effacing comedy. At least, I hope we can. Certainly there are some deathly serious people in chat, and that’s their choice, and heck, I’ve been accused (and rightfully so) of taking some things far too seriously, so I’m not advocating a complete and utter regression to complete immaturity. And that’s really the point of my blog post. Fun is good, but immaturity, with all that comes with it, is not so good.

So what’s the difference? Well, while it’s fun to act a bit immature, I think that even during those times, one still needs to have a sense of responsibility. While I can be snarky in my banter, I don’t really try to hurt or offend. And while we can have flirty or even sexual fun, we need to be responsible for consequences. This is the danger of chat. In real time, we usually have a bit of a better sense of the possible consequences, because if we hurt people close to us, we suffer real losses. In chat, we may hurt people but never see their face. And we may have the attitude that a faceless friend or lover is replaceable with another faceless friend of lover.

Again, it’s not my place to judge, but as I seem to say all the time here, I think there’s a balance to be had. Some immaturity is fun, to let some of the burdens of our self consciousness behind can be sooo cleansing. But we can’t let go of our values, which hopefully includes a degree of responsibility and maturity.

So there… Sticks my tongue out.

Friends Almost Never Met

One of the perks of chat rooms is of course the chance to meet other people and socialize. That’s obvious. What’s just as obvious is that you meet people from other parts of the world who you’d never encounter otherwise simply due to the distance and lack of opportunity. I still find it gratifying to talk with someone hundreds or thousands of miles away and discover or learn about places and cultures and people. Maybe that’s why chat remains fresh to me even after all these years.

Of course, for me, and many in adult chat, we also hope to make friendships through our virtual encounters. These friendships may come and go, but many of them are more enduring than those who frown upon chat would likely believe. There are people in chat I’ve known for more than a decade. Some of them, I’m even happy to have known that long. 😉

I’ve alluded a fair bit in this blog about one of my closest friends met through chat. She’s commented on my blogs more than anyone else, and has her own blog of course (as she’s the one who really encouraged me to blog). One of the interesting things about our friendship, and I was thinking about it the other day, is that not only would we not have met without adult chat, but that had we met in real life we never would have become friends either.

Let me explain. Cheyenne and I have a fair bit in common. We have a similar sense of humor, and somewhat compatible ideas and values. We both value honesty and loyalty and mutuality in our friendships. But in many ways we are very dissimilar. We don’t agree all the time, and trust me, I know when she is irritated or in staunch disagreement. But one reason our friendship works is we can express those disagreements and realize the friendship is all the better for it. But my point is, we likely would never have spoken enough in real time to have learned about our commonalities. We may have met by chance and even shared a smart ass remark or two, but without prolonged contact, we might never have gotten to know each other enough to become friends.

And that’s the other beauty about chat: you have that opportunity for repeated contact with people and the chance to get deeper than those superficial meetings in real time. Don’t get me wrong, much of chat is also very superficial. I believe I’ve discussed that here from time to time. But I honestly think I’ve formed friendships (or at least one) that I wouldn’t have otherwise, not just due to geographical distance, but because of the opportunity to speak more with someone who may not have done so otherwise.

Forward and Back

Dusts off the old blog, recognizing the irony given my topic. So a lot has happened in my chat life since I last wrote in here, and it’s been as usual a mix of good and bad. This post isn’t to recount any of that. It somewhat reflects some of what’s happened but not enumerate my life. I’m not nearly that interesting.

A theme of my past few months of chat life has been struggling between moving forward and looking back. Too often it seems we (or at least I) spend so much time dwelling on the past, whether to reopen old wounds or long for better days or whatever I think I’m accomplishing by a trip down memory lane. Whatever these musings accomplish, whether self condemnation, wistful longing, reassurance that I have been loved and can be again, they can become self indulgent and get in the way of living in the now, and striving for the future.

As usual, it’s a balancing act (ok some things about my blog never change); it’s important to learn from one’s past, so ignoring it is a bad idea. But if I’ve learned anything from the past few months, it’s this: you can’t move forward while you’re looking back. Bad idea when driving your car; bad idea when navigating your life.

I hope I am now pointed in the right direction. Now all I have to do is actually hit the accelerator. Just let me check the rear view mirror a bit…

Leap of Faith

Many of my posts are inspired by songs. This one occurred to me this morning while listening to an old (and not a great) Bruce Springsteen song. He sings that it takes a leap of faith in order to try to love. And he’s right. It does. I have spent a lot of time on this blog talking about trusting others, and those times when it has burnt me, while other times it has led to great fulfillment (even if, at times, to hurt again in the end). Listening to Bruce this morning, I was thinking about those leaps, and the song focuses much more on self-trust, self-faith, if you will. And I mused about whether I could ever let myself leap again. I have talked about this issue from the standpoint of whether I could garner up the trust in someone else. But now I am realizing more and more that it’s myself I don’t trust.

Maybe this is just one of those “down times” we all have, where we find our faith shaken. All I know is that I don’t trust my ability to be what someone can want, need, and love, nor do I trust my judgment to fall for someone who won’t hurt me. A friend of mine tells me I have lousy taste in partners and friends (I jokingly ask what that says about her). I don’t think she’s completely correct there, but I know she’s right that I’ve made bad choices. Bruce sings “in your heart you must trust.” But my heart betrays me. Not just my body for sexual outlets, or my head for silly confusing thoughts. But my heart sometimes goes where it will, and I feel the need to lock it away right now.

I don’t have that faith, so I won’t be taking any leaps anytime soon.

Loyalty

One lesson I’ve learned over my years in chat, and it’s reinforced by real world experiences, involves loyalty. I won’t rehash all my prior stories; read the voluminous rest of my blog for the context. But it’s a valuable lesson I’m still forcing myself to learn. And it’s hard, but it’s necessary.

I’ve felt a lot in my recent past in chat that the people who have mattered most to me don’t show me loyalty. They (and I don’t mean all of them) don’t stand up for me or stand by me when things get tough, or when I need them. Now, I don’t want to discuss specific situations, because obviously my view might not be correct, and this post isn’t about individual situations. It’s about what I have done wrong in these relationships in my attempt to garner such loyalty.

Traditionally I’ve been a peacekeeper. I’ve wanted to avoid conflict, or at least, help to settle them. I’ve tried to be “nice” to everyone. And I’ve hoped that would result in loyalty from others. I’ve also hoped that by showing people I would stick with them, then they would do the same with me. And at times, it’s been an exercise in masochism (to quote the Offspring, “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”). But wow, that doesn’t work. It just makes you (me) a doormat.

Loyalty comes from earning it, yes, but also demanding it. Holding people accountable. Even friends. Even lovers. Letting people know what you need and expect, and realize that if they don’t provide those things (assuming they are reasonable), don’t allow excuses to stop you from realizing that you don’t have their loyalty, and maybe they don’t deserve yours.

The Myth of Specialness

One of the great (and by “great” I mean horrible) ironies of life in chat is that we all seek to stand out as individuals while keeping much about our true identities hidden. We wear avatars to represent ourselves without showing our real picture. We use false or generic names (my first chat name was my real first name, Jennifer; there are enough Jennifer’s around that it was hardly giving myself away). And yet, at the same time, many of us want to be valued for who we are, for the person behind the name and glossy image. We want to feel special.

We can feel this sense of specialness most easily in a love relationship. Of course, such a relationship, one that at least seems genuine, is not so easy to find if it’s to last any length of time. You can also find it with friends, but even in chat, where you can usually find a group of people with which to banter, a true friend, like a true lover, is rarer (maybe even more rare than the true lover).

Ok, so here’s my cynical side, and yes, I know it’s a dominant side in me, but you’re reading this so you already know this fact by now. I find hat friendships and relationships are like a movie. A good movie can draw you in and make you suspend disbelief. But once some aspect of the film reminds you that you are in fact watching a movie, that this is all an illusion, well, then the spell is broken, and in some instances it can be difficult to ever go back to that state of belief. So, too, with chat relationships. I can believe that I am special to someone, maybe even indispensable, the one person they most want to see, and speak with, or even have sex with (if a love or sexual relationship). But it seems that once that illusion is shattered, once some evidence comes forth to make me look behind the curtain and see someone messing with gears and switches… Well, the myth reveals itself for what it is. And I can’t unsee what I’ve seen.

There’s a notion in American courtrooms, where a judge instructs to jury to disregard something that occurs in a trial, to pretend it never occurred. Not shockingly, research suggests that such an instruction does not work, that in fact it may only serve to highlight whatever it is the jury is supposed to forget. So too with me in chat. I cannot simply disregard something I know. It’s just not in me.

And the worst part? I find it harder to believe the myth the next time someone comes along and tries to convince me otherwise.