Leap of Faith

Many of my posts are inspired by songs. This one occurred to me this morning while listening to an old (and not a great) Bruce Springsteen song. He sings that it takes a leap of faith in order to try to love. And he’s right. It does. I have spent a lot of time on this blog talking about trusting others, and those times when it has burnt me, while other times it has led to great fulfillment (even if, at times, to hurt again in the end). Listening to Bruce this morning, I was thinking about those leaps, and the song focuses much more on self-trust, self-faith, if you will. And I mused about whether I could ever let myself leap again. I have talked about this issue from the standpoint of whether I could garner up the trust in someone else. But now I am realizing more and more that it’s myself I don’t trust.

Maybe this is just one of those “down times” we all have, where we find our faith shaken. All I know is that I don’t trust my ability to be what someone can want, need, and love, nor do I trust my judgment to fall for someone who won’t hurt me. A friend of mine tells me I have lousy taste in partners and friends (I jokingly ask what that says about her). I don’t think she’s completely correct there, but I know she’s right that I’ve made bad choices. Bruce sings “in your heart you must trust.” But my heart betrays me. Not just my body for sexual outlets, or my head for silly confusing thoughts. But my heart sometimes goes where it will, and I feel the need to lock it away right now.

I don’t have that faith, so I won’t be taking any leaps anytime soon.